Christmas is super gay
Rod. Will heal. All.
Today is the day
I am sifting through dusty wool skirts at goodwill, every one of which is pilled up in knobby tufts like the surface of an old lemon and the zippers are broken. The radio is on, loud. They are still playing Michael Jackson songs in this never ending tribute we seem to be riding. It's Billy Jean and I'm dancing a very small dance that is only evident below the knee and somewhere mid-torso. The DJ comes on with that hollow, dripping voice that all DJ's have, like they've weighted down their soft palate with little, lead sinkers.
"Good afternoon, New York! Thought I'd break out a quiz for you all on this unseasonably cold day. Something for you all to STEW over... In New York City there are 3.8 million... what? 3.8 million... what? in New York City. Call me here at (212)KING-NYC if you think you know the answer and we'll give you Two. Free. Tickets. to the Michael Jackson movie coming out next week, 'This Is It'. And now. More. Michael."
All DJ's also drop full stops into their sentences for. emphasis.
I'm Bad comes on and I find a skirt with a working zipper. I try it on over the skirt I'm wearing and look at this person in the mirror wearing two skirts with her head cocked to one side, as you do, you know, for scrutiny. What the hell, it's only $6.50.
I'm in line looking at lone gold earrings and necklaces with broken clasps and other 'impulse items'. I reach for this watch. This rubber strapped, 14 year old boy, Transformers watch, circa 1985. I crack elbows with a guy in line in front of me, about my age, also reaching for the watch. He smiles at me. I nod at him, "Go ahead". He turns it over and the price-tag says $25. For a broken, rubber watch. And some sentimental hipster idiot living in Williamsburg would happily pay twice that. I laugh. The guy holding the watch laughs too, puts it down..
"Welcome back New. York. City. 3.8 million what, you ask? That's right ..um..Scotty ..Milbrand from Chelsea. 3.8 Million Single People in New York City. That's 3.8 Million. Single. People. living in New York right now. So get out there people! Let's get that number Dooowwwn. And on that note..."
Single Ladies comes on and I step up to the register.
"That will be $6.50, Miss", the large black lady behind the counter says.
I glance over my shoulder as I'm pulling my wallet out of my purse. The front door of the shop swings closed, the elbow of the watch guy just disappearing out of sight.
"Oh, honey, he was gay as Christmas, don't you worry nothin bout it."
I hand her a ten and laugh,
"Yeah. yeah."
"And you gonna look good in that skirt."
.................
Every day. This voice. This large, African American, clearly grinning woman's voice:
”wow. Wow. Ladies and Gentlemen, what a byootiful day we are having today. Just a beautiful day. I do hope you are getting out there and really just enjoying this day, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your downtown A, your DOWNtown A Train and this here is your conductor speaking. I'd like to remind you to keep your belongings safe at ALL times. Do not display your valuables, your cell phones, iPods, or other EElectronic devices. Stay aware, stay alert. IF you see something, say something ladies and gentlemen. We, here at the MTA, are looking out for your safety, and you, Ladies and Gentlemen, need to look out for yourselves And each other.. Now, have a safe, have a wonderful, have a grEAT day. Today is the day, ladies and gentlemen. ToDAY is the day you can make a difference. Today is the day.
.................
I'm in a shop on 96th and Broadway. I convince the woman at the counter to give me the $40 dress for $15 because all but two of the buttons have fallen off. I also convince her to take all the buttons off the last one of the same dress and give them to me. She is at work with a tiny pair of scissors and I am congratulating myself, trying on ugly jackets with padded arms and gold brocade. I’m giving myself quick, burning glances over one shoulder with squinty eyes (you know, for intensity). On the radio there is some kind of contest and the DJ is frothing a bit, gearing up for the good stuff.
Good afternoon, New YORK! We’ve got... Sammy on the line here. Sammy from Westchester...
“Sam”
Oh, right, sorry Sam. We’ve got SAM here on the line. We’ve told him he can pick one person. One person. And we’re going to call that person and tell them they get one dozen roses to give to whoever they like. Now, of course, Sammy- Sam here is hoping that those roses are going to Come. Right. Back. to him. cause he’s picked out his one person and that one person... it’s his lady love, Christine. So, here I go... I’m going to call Christine and find out who she wants to give this byootiful bouquet!... and the Phone. Is. Ringing.
“Hello”
Hi Christine, this is Tony-O from WKRF radio 102.7! How are you today?
“Wuh. I’m great, thanks. How are you?!”
Well, I’m just fine. Thanks for asking. And you are about to get a whole lot better because we. Have a surprise. For you. Today. Do you wanna hear what it is?
“ah.. Yeah.”
We are going to give you One. Dozen. Roses. And you can give those roses to anyone you like! You just give us a name and a brief message you’d like to include and we’re going to deliver those today! How does that sound?
” Great?”
All righty. Now... do you have someone in mind, someone spec...
“Yep. Yes, I do. I want to send them to my friend Susan.”
To... your friend Susan. O-kay! All right then. You’re going to send them to your... friend Susan.
“Yes. Oh this is so great. I’m totally going to surprise her.”
All right, Christine. You sure you don’t have a man in your life who would.. uhh.
“No, I want to send them to Susan. I was supposed to meet her tonight, but this’ll be way more fun. Are you ready for the message?”
Ah. Yes, yes we are. What would you like the message to say?
“Okay, I’d like it to say: ‘Buy your ticket to come visit and pack your bikini cause... I’m moving to HAWAII!’ And can I get HAWAII in all capitals with, like, three exclamation points?”
Uh, yes, yes absolutely. We’ll go ahead and take that full name and address for you off air, so hang on the line but Christine, we have another surprise for you today. We have a very special person in your life on the line with us today, someone who picked you out to be our contest winner today, do you want to know who that is?
“Ok.”
We’ve got... SAM. Here with us today.
“...”
He uh, he picked you out today to receive One. Dozen. Roses. Because you’re a very special person in his life and he wanted to surprise you today. Say hello, Sam.
“Christine?”
“... ... “
“You’re... mov... you’re moving Christine?”
“... ... (oh shi[BLEEP], shi[BLEEP], it)
“You’re moving? ... ... To Hawaii? ... Christine?”
“Hi, Sam. Um. Oh, god. Um. I really didn’t. I didn’t want to tell you like this”
“How did you want to tell me? WERE you going to tell me?”
“Sam, I. I’m just. Can we talk about this later?”
“No.”
“Ok. Sam, I. (shi[BLEEP])
“Yes??”
“I. I got a promotion and. I took it.”
“... ... “
“I leave in two weeks”
“Two weeks??!”
“... ...”
“... ...”
WELL. Um, ladies and gentlemen. That didn’t uh go exactly as we... You are listening to W.K.R... F! 102.7 and I’d like to thank Sammy here for uh, participating in our contest.
“Mmm.”
And Christine..stay on the line here for a sec so we can get Susan’s address and send off those flowers.
“Mmmhmm.”
And good luck to you on your new job... uh Good. Luck. To you. Both. ...
WKRF! The music of the life you want! Let’s get back into it now with a little Rod. Stewart singing an old favorite.. “The First Cut Is The Deepest..” Ain't that the truth.. I hope you are enjoying your day today New York! Today is your day and WKRF is your station!
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